


silence

by slightlyobsessedwitheverything



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (i mean that's canon but i'm tagging it anyway), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxious Evan Hansen, Established Relationship, M/M, Soft Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Tree Bros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-10-17 11:28:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20620286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slightlyobsessedwitheverything/pseuds/slightlyobsessedwitheverything
Summary: For as long as he could remember, Evan had feared silence. Silence meant that he was alone.But lately, he doesn’t mind the silence as much.-Just a small oneshot based on a poetry prompt about silence





	silence

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
So, this is my first post to Ao3 ever. It's the only the 3rd fanfic I've EVER posted online, and the last 2 are from when I was like 13 (in early 2010 I believe?) I have a lot of anxiety about letting other people read what I write, but I figure it won't ever get any easier until I just do it, right?
> 
> I'm actually working on an outline for a multichapter DEH fanfic, but I was looking through a book of poetry prompts I have and found one about silence and got kind of inspired and wrote this in like 2 hours. It's pretty short, but I'm actually fairly happy with it.

Silence.

For as long as he could remember, Evan had feared silence. Silence meant that he was alone. It meant that his mother was working, and all he had was his own thoughts to keep him company. Every little sound made his blood run cold. The creak in the walls as his house settles. The whoosh of a car driving by outside. The scuffle of two animals rushing by on the wall outside. A tree branch tapping the window.

Every little noise spikes his heart rate and brings forth new, terrifying thoughts. The creak in the walls; someone is in his house, moving around, hiding from his sight. The whoosh of a car; someone is stalking him, driving past his house, trying to find the right moment to break in and attack him. The scuffle of something running by, the tapping on his window; someone is outside. Someone is watching him. No matter how he covers the windows, no matter how he cowers away from them, no matter how careful he is; someone sees him, he’s sure of it. 

It sends him into a spiral. Silence gives him too much room to think. Too much room to exaggerate. In the stillness of the night, staring at the ceiling, he can only think. His breathing quickens. His nerves buzz under his skin and send chills up his spine. Everything is too quiet, and therefore, too much. 

But lately, he doesn’t mind the silence as much.

Laying here in his bed, his arms wrapped around someone and their arms around him. Here in the dark, with the glow of the moon as his only light source, he can still make out his partners angled features. He can feel the rise and fall of breathing, the warmth of breath on his neck, and it’s calm. Serene. Silent.

To be fair, it isn’t the same deafening silence as when he’s completely alone. It’s quiet, but the little noises no longer send his heart leaping into his throat in fear. Instead, they calm his frayed nerves. The gentle sound of Connor breathing reminds him that he’s still here. He’s alive and well. They both are. The creak in the bed when Connor shifts his position and pulls Evan closer lulls the anxious energy ever so present in his chest. The sigh that Connor releases when he presses his nose into Evan’s neck sends a wave of warmth over him, every muscle in his body fight against the urge to curl around him completely engulf himself in the feeling. He cards his fingers through Connor’s hair, which earns him another soft sigh and a light chuckle. 

“What?” Evan questions, effectively breaking the silence. Connor shakes his head, and even without looking down, he knows Connor is smiling. 

“You’re being so loud,” Connor whispers into his shoulder. 

“I- I didn’t say anything?” It comes out as more of a question than a statement. He didn’t think he was making any noise, he’s almost positive. But if Connor thinks he’s being loud, he’ll find a way to stop. If he has to hold his breath until Connor falls asleep, he will. If he has to stay perfectly still so the covers don’t shift and the frame doesn’t squeak, he will. He’ll do anything to keep this. This strange level of comfort he’s able to find in another person. He doesn’t know what he would do if Connor ever decided to leave. If one day, he decided Evan isn’t good enough. Once he finally sees that Evan isn’t all he believes him to be. He doesn’t know what Connor sees in him. Evan is a mess. He’s all nerves and tears and panic. And Connor will see that one day. And then he will be alone again. And then the silence will consume him. 

“You’re doing it again,” Connor mutters. He’s running his fingers gently up and down the inside of Evan’s arm. Evan shivers slightly at the touch. He’s still not entirely sure what he was doing that was so loud.

“You’re thinking too hard. You get really, like, fucking weird when you think too much. You stop breathing and you just kind of stare off into space. And it’s really loud.”

Oh.

He hadn’t realized he’d said that out loud. 

He doesn’t know how to reply, so he just gives a quiet, “Oh.” Connor snorts. His fingers dance along the inside of Evan’s wrist before he slips his hand into Evan’s and laces their fingers together.

“You know you can… talk to me? Right? If I’m doing something, you know, that bugs you or something, you can tell me.” He huffs out a laugh. “You don’t have to be afraid to talk to me. I’m not going to, like, freak out on you or anything.”

_ Oh. _

“I know,” Evan states, just a little too quickly for his own liking. “Um, it’s not… It’s not you, it’s just me.” Connor stiffens up and takes a quick breath in through his nose.  _ Shit. _ “That’s not what I meant! I didn’t- that sounded bad. I just meant that I’m- I’m just being weird. You didn’t do anything. I’m just… weird.”

Connor relaxes slightly, and exhales against Evan’s neck. “Well, yeah. I know  _ that. _ ” He chuckles to himself. Evan joins him, but it comes out too breathy, more akin to a sigh than a laugh. He gives Connor’s scalp a light scratch and Connor hums in approval. 

“I’m just freaking myself out over nothing. Letting myself think too much. Worrying about things I don’t, um, really need to worry about.” It’s more of an affirmation to himself then it is to Connor. Logically, he knows he has nothing to worry about in this moment. That it’s just his anxiety telling him otherwise. He knows that Connor wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to be, so he just has to convince himself of it. Connor presses a kiss into his collarbone.

“Good. It’s good that you can recognize it, right?”

Evan nods. “Yeah. It is.” Connor picks his head up and flashes Evan a brilliant smile. And Evan feels a warm flood of emotion wash over him, his heart aches in the best way possible. Once upon a time, he’d never imagined he would see Connor Murphy smile, let alone at him the way he does. He never would have thought he himself would ever be as happy as he is with Connor, but he is. It’s not a cure, but it helps, having him here. Evan loosely tangles his hand in Connor’s hair and pulls him in for a kiss. It’s just a peck at first, but then Connor moves back in to press several more kisses to his lips. Evan sighs and allows himself to get lost in kissing Connor. When they finally break apart, Evan lets his eyes flutter back open. Connor is staring at him, nervously it seems. Funny. Evan’s supposed to be the nervous one. 

“What?” Evan chuckles, raising an eyebrow. Connor shakes his head.

“Just… You know I love you… right?”

He does. Oh, he does. His brain tries to tell him it isn’t true, oh god does it try. But Evan can see it. In every small gesture Connor makes. With every kiss and all the little touches. Evan can feel the warmth bloom in his chest every time he says it too. Sometimes in the hush of the night, he’ll overthink it. He’ll tell himself he doesn’t deserve Connor. That Connor could do so much better without him, with someone else. But then, he reminds himself that Connor doesn’t have to stay, and he certainly wouldn’t hesitate to leave if that was what he wanted. He’s here because he wants to be. Because he actually likes Evan. Because he  _ loves _ Evan. And everything’s okay. And Evan can assure himself that that’s true.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Good.” Connor grins at him again, then lays back down and snuggles back into Evan’s side, presses a kiss to his neck, and drapes his arm loosely over Evan’s waist. Evan turns his head to the side and hides his face in Connor’s hair.

“I love you too.”

He feels Connor smile against his skin. After a few moments, everything is quiet again aside from Connor’s steady breathing mingling with Evan’s own. But it isn’t scary. It’s almost… peaceful, really. Nothing else but the two of them here. 

And Evan thinks that maybe he can handle the silence. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Let me know your thoughts in the comments.
> 
> My tumblr is also slightlyobsessedwitheverything if anyone is interested.


End file.
